Weeds.

I admit, I don’t do much gardening, I can find a good hundred things to do other than gardening, especially when its 42 degrees outside on a hot summer day. For all you non Australians that is around 107.6 farenheit. How did I work that out? I googled it; because I have Net Pie.

So when I do do gardening, I feel somewhat proud, accomplished like I have done something, I look at my garden and think to myself. “Good Job Tiffany, Good job.” I even look to what we call the Green waste bin, which is overflowing with weeds and various other garden extremities.

So as I dust off my hands, and pat myself on my back I turn around. Only to find that more weeds had sprung up from the ground. I don’t know how they got there, I thought it a little odd, but since I was in a good mood I went about my business and continued with my weed eradication.

I admit, I don’t do much gardening, I can find a good hundred things to do other than gardening, especially when its 42 degrees outside on a hot summer day. For all you non Australians that is around 107.6 farenheit. How did I work that out? I googled it; because I have Net Pie.

So when I do do gardening, I feel somewhat proud, accomplished like I have done something, I look at my garden and think to myself. “Good Job Tiffany, Good job.” I even look to what we call the Green waste bin, which is overflowing with weeds and various other garden extremities.

So as I dust off my hands, and pat myself on my back I turn around. Only to find that more weeds had sprung up from the ground. I don’t know how they got there, I thought it a little odd, but since I was in a good mood I went about my business and continued with my weed eradication.

Ok, now I felt very chuffed with myself. Yes it’s a real word. I wanted to wheel the bin to the side of the house, to keep it away till it was bin day. As I turned the corner of the house, fear struck my heart, as the brightness of the sunny sky turned dark. An omnipresent feeling of dread crept up my throat, choking me in its suffocating grip.

There were more of them.

These, my dear little readers, were not ordinary weeds.

They were monstrous little profanities! Little shit stains had spikes. Big ones. Oh yes I had garden gloves, good ones. I also had garden shears, but somehow those little spikes managed to fork their way into my double plated steel reinforced gloves. They also towered over me, literally.

It was like I stepped out of my front yard and into an urban jungle. Did I mention there were weird black and yellow spiders, and a few bright green ones? No? Well I am telling you now, I know this because I walked into several webs. I am under the suspicion that they wanted to entrap me, stick their fangs into my flesh then feast on my insides.

So, I did the manly thing, and chose to flee.

Because that’s what manly men do, run.

So it is now a month later, and the weed like forest is still there. Every now and then I throw in a few raw steaks to keep the beasts satisfied. Who knows,I might call a gardener and tell him to ‘fix the problem’

And by fix the problem I mean sacrifice him to the Weed Forest.

I should probably build a shrine there, then they could film the next Indiana Jones movie in my yard.