get outta the way.

A few days ago I posted about the weed forest in my back yard, I would like to say with pride that I tackled that deep dark dank forest this weekend. Wishing my loved ones and family members’ goodbye I stepped off my front porch and into the unknown.

Such a feat required stamina and smarts. It required strength, not only strength of the body but of the heart mind and soul. Once one stepped into my back yard they had to be prepared, emotionally ready knowing that they may never see the light of day again, knowing that they could be torn apart by ravenous thistles or poisoned by a wayward snake. Hungry spiders would hang from the branches awaiting the unsuspecting adventurer to wander below their domain.



Yes. Such a mission was clearly suicide. Yet I, as the lone heroine of this story decided to take it upon myself to venture out and conquer the weeds.

Clearly, my plight had grown futile. My chest tightened as I realized that I would probably die out here, cold and alone. I meekly attempted to hack away at the never ending forest. Yet my efforts were fruitless. Exhausted, I crumbled into a heap, hugging my knees tightly to my chest as I heard a low ‘Rrrrrr’ somewhere in the background.

My time had come, soon the great beast of the yard would devour me. Maybe Indianna Jones will find my rotting carcass and vomit, if he does then perhaps my death will not be in vain.

RRRRRRRrrrr RRRRRRRrrrr Chika chicka RRRRRRrrrr RRRRrrr

The growling got louder now, I shut my eyes as the motor like growls grew ever closer.


RRRRRRrr RRRRrr RRRrrr

“GET OUTTA THE WAY!”

My eyes shot open, as I flung my body into a random direction. Turning I see a comrade. Let’s call him Mikael, he burst forth with a lawnmower Mega death flame thrower decapitation device and destroyed the weeds.

My eyes grew wide as it dawned on me. I was no longer alone in this plight. I had backup, backup that involved the horse power needed to sate this evil blood thirsty beast.

I jumped up to my feet with a fist pump into the air. Cheers and gleeful laughter could be heard as light once again shone down upon the backyard of my abode.

The beast, had been defeated.


All that remain are the severed limbs, tossed carelessly into the trash.


Weeds 0
Tiffany 1

Weeds.

I admit, I don’t do much gardening, I can find a good hundred things to do other than gardening, especially when its 42 degrees outside on a hot summer day. For all you non Australians that is around 107.6 farenheit. How did I work that out? I googled it; because I have Net Pie.

So when I do do gardening, I feel somewhat proud, accomplished like I have done something, I look at my garden and think to myself. “Good Job Tiffany, Good job.” I even look to what we call the Green waste bin, which is overflowing with weeds and various other garden extremities.

So as I dust off my hands, and pat myself on my back I turn around. Only to find that more weeds had sprung up from the ground. I don’t know how they got there, I thought it a little odd, but since I was in a good mood I went about my business and continued with my weed eradication.

I admit, I don’t do much gardening, I can find a good hundred things to do other than gardening, especially when its 42 degrees outside on a hot summer day. For all you non Australians that is around 107.6 farenheit. How did I work that out? I googled it; because I have Net Pie.

So when I do do gardening, I feel somewhat proud, accomplished like I have done something, I look at my garden and think to myself. “Good Job Tiffany, Good job.” I even look to what we call the Green waste bin, which is overflowing with weeds and various other garden extremities.

So as I dust off my hands, and pat myself on my back I turn around. Only to find that more weeds had sprung up from the ground. I don’t know how they got there, I thought it a little odd, but since I was in a good mood I went about my business and continued with my weed eradication.

Ok, now I felt very chuffed with myself. Yes it’s a real word. I wanted to wheel the bin to the side of the house, to keep it away till it was bin day. As I turned the corner of the house, fear struck my heart, as the brightness of the sunny sky turned dark. An omnipresent feeling of dread crept up my throat, choking me in its suffocating grip.

There were more of them.

These, my dear little readers, were not ordinary weeds.

They were monstrous little profanities! Little shit stains had spikes. Big ones. Oh yes I had garden gloves, good ones. I also had garden shears, but somehow those little spikes managed to fork their way into my double plated steel reinforced gloves. They also towered over me, literally.

It was like I stepped out of my front yard and into an urban jungle. Did I mention there were weird black and yellow spiders, and a few bright green ones? No? Well I am telling you now, I know this because I walked into several webs. I am under the suspicion that they wanted to entrap me, stick their fangs into my flesh then feast on my insides.

So, I did the manly thing, and chose to flee.

Because that’s what manly men do, run.

So it is now a month later, and the weed like forest is still there. Every now and then I throw in a few raw steaks to keep the beasts satisfied. Who knows,I might call a gardener and tell him to ‘fix the problem’

And by fix the problem I mean sacrifice him to the Weed Forest.

I should probably build a shrine there, then they could film the next Indiana Jones movie in my yard.

Internet Pie

I have been gone for a long time. Too long in fact.

Why?Because I had no internet access, do you know what it’s like? Living in today’s Modern society without the internet? You think it’d be fine, that’s what I thought at least. Despite me being somewhat dependant on the world wide web, I figured a few weeks away from it would do me good. Also. I am a girl, so I do not internet, I figure I should be back in the kitchen where I will be baking you all a pie.
The pie has my hair in it. FYI.

It looks something like this:

It looks bad because I didn’t have google to tell me not to put in crazy shit, because some people are that stupid.

Since two weeks turned into three months, thanks to the much loved internet companies of Australia screwing me around, I made many of these pies. It looked something like this:

Suffice to say, I realized how much I rely on the net, to socialize, do my weekly paying of the bills and to get information. Google, I missed you. There were many a time I was sitting there, and saw something on the TV, or my floor, or that my brain couldn’t work something out, my answer was to always Google it.

Without the internet, its comics my Roleplays and even the sweet velveteen caress of a multi million dollar search engine I ended up looking like this:

Although now, I am back.
I would draw a picture for that, but I don’t think it’s needed. I don’t think I could convey my emotions through mere words and visual aids of mediocre value.


Expect something that isn’t written when I am half awake at some ungodly hour. (Ungodly hour being 9:32pm after being awake since 6am and working all day.)