Love is

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about this emotion, those around me flutter about with their carefree lives, and their notions on the emotion. Love, is impossible to define.

To one, ‘to love’ may mean taking home a drunk and having your way with them in a sack, or perhaps in a seedy toilet in some notorious night club. To another, Love may mean a smile or a warm embrace.

I can’t define love, nor have I ever tried to, I guess this entry comes about because the one person I love, is the one person I cannot hold. See, I have one of those long distance relationships.

A simple brush of his hand against my cheek, the sound and feel of his beating heart and that warm look he has in his eyes when he says the words “I love you.”

I can’t have any of that, to me, love is and has always been a very painful emotion. I have had very unsavory experiences in the past where my trust in someone was broken like a fine crystal glass, the red wine of my heart spilling over and staining the floor with regret and sorrow. It has made it very hard for me to trust people, especially on a romantic level.

There was a time when I had shut myself away from the world, I tricked myself into believing that I was happy being alone, but that was a lie. No one wishes to be alone, the soul is not meant to be isolated in a crystal cage, the heart is made to beat for another.

Now, I have found someone to call my own, but they are so very far away, he lives in the States, New York, and I am here in Australia. Call me a fool, or look down on me in distaste, cast your skeptical views on me, I don’t care.

For one cannot control what their heart desires, we cannot control who we fall in love with or when. Nor can we control the circumstances that seem to befall each and every human being each and every day.

To hear that small chuckle he has when he finds something funny, to hear his flustered sighs as he mumbles incoherently to himself, forgetting that others can hear him. I miss that.

I miss the way he shakes his head at me, smiling softly when I do something that he finds amusing, but he doesn’t want to admit it.

I miss his stubborn attitude and that little pout he makes when he gets told what to do. I miss the dazzling blue in his eyes, and his messy unkempt hair.

Being so far away tugs at the heart, and makes it feel as though I’m alone, rusty daggers tearing along the last shreds of my sanity, when…in reality I am not alone, I am far from it.

Knowing he is there somewhere, should make me happy, it should set my mind at ease. Knowing I can call him ‘my love’ should make my soul resound with joy and sing along with the whispers of the wind.

Yet, I find myself sitting here, feeling lost and feeling alone.Just because I cannot hear his playful voice, touch the warmth of his skin, or even see those dazzling azure orbs.

It’s silly really, I should be happy, at times like this all I can do is look outside at the blue sky, and know that somewhere, he is doing the same. And that our hearts, are beating as one, as we search for a way to see each other again.